Pure joy!

Recently, I've been suffering from increased physical problems -
mainly GI stuff, digestion, that kind of thing - and I've come to the
conclusion that I'm simply getting old and can't really just do what I
want to do anymore, which sort of sucks. There's been lots of little
things that have been a source of irritation as well, mainly the usual
- work, school, etc.

I woke up this morning to a very dark, gray, raining sky. When I went
to work this morning, I actually didn't feel too badly; it slowly
dawned on me that whether or not it was raining and dark, I was here
to enjoy it (or not enjoy it, my choice). There was a point where I
would have enjoyed the morning for the wrong reasons - i.e., it's dark
and raining and that means the entire world feels like crap, just like
I do, wah wah wah.

That was the old me.

I enjoyed the rain and the gray skies today for a different reason. I
actually got to thinking about rebirth - the entire world is going
through a process where the old and the dying are rejuvenating,
turning into something beautiful and new. In a couple of months,
spring will be here again. The birds will return. The flowers will
grow again. And there'll be rain, rainbows, sun, clouds, all of the
marvelous things that Earth provides but that I've neglected for so
long. Until now.

Suddenly I saw a shaft of light through the darkness. It reminded me
of what I've become in the last year. That one crack in the facade
can brighten an entire world.

I'm realizing that I'm very, very lucky indeed. Good things have
happened to me this past year, and continue to happen. I am learning
the value of gratitude; being grateful for what I have, who I have,
how far I've come, how much further I have to go. It's all a process,
a balance. There's no doubt in my mind that I've been fucked with in
my nearly 40 years on this earth - that's for sure. But it's my
choice to either let that bring me down to the value of nothing.... or
to take it, work it, learn from it and make my life that much better.
Does that make sense?

Even if I lost everything I have tomorrow.... I have the ability, the
strength, the moxie to start over once again, and to improve on things
that I may not have liked or wanted. I have that power. I have the
power to decide what my life is to be.

"I get to live the life I choose."

And so I look out on those gray skies today, and I laugh with delight,
because I don't see darkness and loss and depression. I see rebirth,
new possibilities, experiences, opportunities. I see rejuvenation. I
see the beginnings of love.

I am a long, long way from three years ago, from six years ago. I
don't really know that woman anymore. While she wasn't someone I ever
wanted to be twins with, I'm glad that I did know her, once. It makes
the depth of gratitude I hold that much stronger, that much more
solid.

I am glad to be alive today. Every day.

Nevermore....

Interesting fact:  Poe was found just before his death on the corner of East Lombard and South Exeter Streets in Jonestown, Baltimore.  My old apartment was on the very same corner.

Today marks the anniversary of Edgar Allan Poe's birthday.  He's a special figure here in Baltimore, for obvious reasons, but even if I didn't live here, I would admit to believing that the man is a mad genius.  Some of his short stories (specifically "The Cask of Amontillado" being a favorite) are positively chilling in their elements of comedy and of revenge.  I believe without a doubt that Poe suffered from depression, a thing that I can relate to all too well.  

Today is, unless the famous Toaster appears, also the last day that this decades-old tradition will be celebrated.  The legend of the Poe Toaster is internationally famous.  There are several theories about what happened; whether the incredible crowds that gathered at the grave site "drove him away", or if the Toaster has passed away.... I doubt that we'll ever truly know.  

Either way, one cannot think of roses and cognac without thinking of Poe.  A fitting tribute to a talented, but tortured man.  

My favorite poem by Poe is below.  It has a special significance to the citizens of Baltimore, of course.  

"The Raven"


Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, 
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, 
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door - 
Only this, and nothing more." 

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December, 
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. 
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow 
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore - 
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore - 
Nameless here for evermore. 

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain 
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; 
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating, 
"'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door - 
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; - 
This it is, and nothing more." 

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, 
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; 
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, 
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, 
That I scarce was sure I heard you"- here I opened wide the door; - 
Darkness there, and nothing more. 

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, 
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before; 
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token, 
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?" 
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" - 
Merely this, and nothing more. 

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, 
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. 
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice: 
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore - 
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; - 
'Tis the wind and nothing more." 

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, 
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore; 
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; 
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door - 
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door - 
Perched, and sat, and nothing more. 

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, 
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore. 
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven, 
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore - 
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!" 
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore." 

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, 
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore; 
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being 
Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door - 
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door, 
With such name as "Nevermore." 

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only 
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. 
Nothing further then he uttered- not a feather then he fluttered - 
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "other friends have flown before - 
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before." 
Then the bird said, "Nevermore." 

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken, 
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store, 
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster 
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore - 
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore 
Of 'Never - nevermore'." 

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, 
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door; 
Then upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking 
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore - 
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore 
Meant in croaking "Nevermore." 

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing 
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core; 
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining 
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er, 
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er, 
She shall press, ah, nevermore! 

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer 
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor. 
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he hath sent thee 
Respite - respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore:
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!" 
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore." 

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! - 
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, 
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted - 
On this home by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore - 
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!" 
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore." 

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil - prophet still, if bird or devil! 
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore - 
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn, 
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore - 
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore." 
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore." 

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend," I shrieked, upstarting - 
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! 
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! 
Leave my loneliness unbroken!- quit the bust above my door! 
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!" 
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore." 

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting 
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; 
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, 
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; 
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor 
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

I wasn't going to write today....

....my whole idea was that I would make a protest, however silent, against the current SOPA/PIPA bill out there about Internet censorship.  And the ribbon's up, no doubt about that.  But my change of heart comes from 1.  not really having time other than this to update and 2. sadly, a belief that all of our efforts are truly fruitless - people are going to do what they want to do.  There'll always be a way around whatever restrictions people try to place on others, so I'm not too worried.  Besides, the powers that be want to make us ALL criminals now, so you may as well do what you're accused of.

With that said.... uh, hi.  :p

I have a rare day off today, thanks to AWS - and I'm just trying to take it easy, since life has been somewhat stressful as of late.  Oh, it's nothing to really worry over; I've just had some minor problems crop up, mainly with the house.  I've apparently had squirrels in my attic since this time last year, and due to not having any money for an exterminator (in addition to not really knowing what to do about getting them the fuck out of there), they've been roosting up in the ceiling making themselves at home.  That little problem was fixed yesterday, thanks to Greg and thanks to finally having a little in the bank to get it finished.  Luckily, there doesn't seem to be any lasting damage other than a couple  of holes in the ceiling, which can be easily patched up.

I've finally gotten the first decent night's sleep in six weeks.

School has started up again.  I'm actually enjoying the parenting class quite a bit, though it promises to be quite hard - the instructor seems to be kind of a hard-ass about certain things.  But time will tell, this is only the first week.  Computer forensics class is actually somewhat of a joke; no real "assignments" other than projects.  I'm kind of disappointed about that, but it is what it is - a requirement fulfilled toward my degree.  I've started financial aid processing on what should be my last year at UMUC.  God, how did that happen?

I went to lunch with a close friend over the weekend, and I remember looking at him and thinking to myself, "Where did the time go?  What happened?  He looks different.  I look different.  What happened???"

Time happened, I guess.

Don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't trade my life now for anything.  I'm healthy (relatively, anyway).  I'm happy.  I have someone in my life who loves me, whom I love.  My job is stable (even if not very enjoyable - taking urine is still not my life's work, I'm sorry).  I'm a middle class American doing the best that they can.  But I guess that six years of being "mentally absent" changes your perspective.  You don't realize that the world moves on with or without you when you're depressed.  And, boy, has the world moved on.  I've missed so much!

I'm determined not to miss any more.  I've taken my life by the horns and I'm working it the best I can.

This morning, I was downstairs enjoying a cup of coffee and cooking breakfast.  I had my Pandora station on and was just listening to the classic rock station, half-singing (you know I'm in a great mood if I start doing that shit, heh), when a Derek and the Dominoes song came on, a very famous one (I'm not going to type the name of it here - if you know your music, you know what it's called).  As I heard it, I started mentally "stiffening up".  I've come to the realization that I no longer like that song in any shape, form or fashion.  Why?  It's the name of a person that fucked me over during the last six years.  It's the name of a person that was directly involved in the Douchebag situation.  It's the name of a bitch that I had thought was my friend.  Some friend.

I'm working toward resolving some of that situation in my head.  But as I continued to cook my breakfast, I realized that I will probably never forgive some people for the things that they did to me during that time.  And as I came to that realization, I started to wonder about a few things.

I know that some say that forgiveness is a gift to one's self.  That being unable to forgive punishes you more than the other person; at least, that's always what I'd been led to believe.  If you're unable to forgive a person for what they did to you, they have power over you and take up space in your head.  That's what I've always heard.

But the thing is, I don't believe that this is necessarily true.  Just because I'm unable to forgive - and I will admit that readily to myself, that I probably never will - it doesn't mean that she ever takes up any space in my head, because she doesn't.  Sure, there are moments like this morning when I think about it, and my hatred (which is rapidly becoming indifference) flares anew, and my mind reinforces the fact that she's a bitch and that I can't forgive her for what she's done.  But it goes away almost as fast as the realization comes.  It's only on my mind now because of the afterthoughts... about how it really is okay not to forgive someone, if you don't want to.  It doesn't affect me other than a mere thought or two; I then put it on the shelf for another few months.  Someday, it'll get to the point where it's more than a few months.... then a year or two.... until it - she, they - cease to matter to me at all.

I have learned what true friendship is.  I have learned what love really looks like, and it doesn't match the treatment that I received.  I'm more mad at myself than anything, because I believed that I was really worth that little.  Therapy has helped me to see that I'm worth more than crumbs, a pat on the head like an abused dog.  I am more currency than those people can afford, emotionally.

I am good at so many things, and I've never given myself much credit for any of them.  That's starting to change.  A lot of things about me are starting to change.

I still cannot look back much at my old entries here.  I'm ashamed of myself for the obsessive thoughts, for the misguided conceptions, for acting pretty much like a tool the last six years.  The sad thing is that it was all for naught.  No, I doubt that I'll ever forgive any of those people for what they've done.  D'bag, the Bitch, they're not the only ones involved in the whole sad, sordid mess, but they're the two stars.

As far as I'm concerned, it all worked out for the best.  Fractured soul met fractured soul and now leads a life of deception, of pretending, of play-acting at a relationship.  I have the real thing.  And it's the sweetest thing that I've ever experienced.  I have a real person in my life, in my bed, holding me, talking to me, sharing with me.  Those two have a computer keyboard, maybe a phone on occasion, and "hopes and plans".  Well, I don't - and won't - live my life on "hopes and plans".

I make them come true.

And that's today's update.  I know you're all warm and fuzzy inside now.  :p

Welcome, 2012. Even if I'm late posting.

Ten days into the new year and I'm just getting around to posting; I
must be busy. And I have been, though I haven't been feeling
particularly well (physically). The usual colds, 24-hour bugs, that
kind of shit. Nothing major. Still, I'd like to see that pass as
quickly as possible.

Things are pretty much the same; it's getting "back to normal" after
what can only be termed a whirlwind holiday season. I had a
wonderful, enjoyable Christmas - the first in five years, easily, and
better than the last ten combined. I'm glad to see it all dissipate,
though, and to have life return to usual.

I've discovered that I definitely do better on a mental level when I'm
complaining about "being too busy". I've had three weekends now with
no schoolwork (the next term starts on the 17th), and ... it's
beginning to get old. I'm finding that as usual, I'm craving the
excitement of starting fresh with new subjects. Of course, by the
time March 11th rolls around, I'll probably proclaim myself
"thoroughly sick of the parenting theory and computer innards", but
that's normal for me, heh.

Not much else is going on, really. I've been re-examining usual,
tired subjects in my head, trying to see if I feel better about them,
etc. It's a slow process, but I do believe that I'm healing up
nicely. Most days I feel ... well, I don't, really. I can't even
call it apathy; more like a cursory dismissal. No more than say, a
blip on the radar. The most upset I get (particuarly about the D'bag
situation) is that of a brief, wistful moment of "what could have
been". But you know... it couldn't have been. Ever. Because it
takes two to tango on that front, and only one person was ever doing
the dance.

I realize that now. Now it's time to work on not being ashamed of it.

My mother is slowly beginning to decline, health-wise. I knew that it
was eventually going to happen, but I didn't expect such a dramatic
spike in "I've fallen, I've hurt myself, etc." incidents. There's
even been loose talk of her leaving her house, which I know is a
serious, serious sign that things are coming to a head. I'm really
hoping that it's not going to happen soon, because.... well, it's well
documented that my mother and I can't get along for more than 5
minutes. Still, I will not, will not, WILL NOT put her in a nursing
home. I just won't. My grandmother was in one of those places only 3
months before she died, but her life was a living fucking hell until
that day. I won't do that to my mother. No matter how much she's
hurt me.

We will see. But here recently, it's been worrisome.

Everything else is as usual. I'm still blissfully happy with Greg;
who'd have thought it after almost 8 months? (Good Gawd... has it
been that long??!!??) The job still sucks, heh, but you can't have
everything.

This is really just a quick update, since it's Tuesday and all... and
we know how Tuesdays are, right, kiddies?

More later, probably over the weekend.

(Pee-Ess: I've been busy with my new cooking blog. If you feel so
inclined, head over to 52ayear.org and have a look. /shameless plug).

The long-awaited annual end-of-year post. Rejoice, my chilluns!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, here it comes:  the much-awaited "end of year" post.  Aren't you all just thrilled?  I know I am.  :p  2011 has been, for me, indescribable.  It's been a year where I have come quite far in a great deal of ways, and in a very short time.

The best of 2011?  Two things have happened that I would qualify as fitting in this category, and that would be:

The apparent end of my depression – Unknown Date
While, as always, I am being cautious about declaring my mental illness officially "over", I do feel that I have emerged from the darkness and the hell that I've been living under for the last six years.  I really couldn't say when it "ended", exactly - perhaps it's been coming to an end all along, I don't know, but I think I can easily say that it was more or less gone by August.  I no longer feel as if life is worthless.  I no longer cry at the drop of a hat.  I no longer move listlessly throughout the day, just "waiting" for my life to end.  There is a purpose to my life now - I am once again daring to have hopes, goals, dreams.  While I still don't smile or laugh a great deal, it comes much more easily now when I do, and without force or effort.  I have much more knowledge of who I am, what I've been through, and how those events and times have made me the special person that I know I am and can be.  I am stronger in a lot of ways for having been through these experiences.  And, what is most important, I think, is that I have learned (and am still learning) what I choose to tolerate from people and what I don't.

There's a sign up on the wall in one of the probation teams' offices that says "I Get To Live The Life I Choose".  I guess it's supposed to be inspiration to their clients - but in some ways, it's inspiring for
me, too.  In the end, I have choices.  I have the decision to make my life what it is today - I can either wallow in misery and blame others for the things that have happened in my life, or I can accept that bad
things happen to everyone, and that it's how I handle those bad things that will eventually determine my course of action.  I can choose drama, and chaos, and alienation - or I can choose assistance, love,
caring and trust.  There is nothing and no one stopping me from making that choice!

Ah, the power of free will.  Isn't it great?

My new relationship – May 25, 2011
Obviously, when I refer to this, I am referring to Greg; who has been, in some ways, a miracle that appeared in my life when I least expected it.  I had truly given up on finding a relationship where someone not only was "with" me, per se, but UNDERSTOOD me - a quality that is rare within itself.  It is truly a gift when someone "gets" you, in every way possible - but yet doesn't take that knowledge for granted.  Greg
came into my life at a time where I had simply withdrawn from all things romantic to concentrate on "healing thyself", if you will. Apparently it worked better than I could have ever imagined!

A lot of people, meaning well, had told me that I shouldn't have given Greg a chance; after all, his "previous record" was abysmal at best.  Those same people were worried that I'd be hurt again at a time
when I needed as little hurt as possible.  And believe me, I appreciated everyone's counsel - I still do.  But I'm glad now that I gave him a shot, because it's ended up being the best relationship that I've ever had.  I have been incredibly happy these past seven months.  I have the potential to be happy for seven more months, maybe seven years, even seven decades.  I don’t know how long things will last, but right now I am happy, ecstatic - content.  I love him a whole lot, and then some!

Now, bleh, for the worst of 2011.  There’s always some bad to it…

The house robbery – April 30, 2011

I learned just how well I could handle a serious crisis when my house was broken into that night.  My television was ripped off of the wall – and I do mean RIPPED, quite literally – and a good deal of electronic equipment was stolen.  But while the thieves took “things”, they gave me a sense of self back in an odd way – I learned that I could handle even the worst situation, that I didn’t have to fall apart in order to get my life together, if that makes sense.  Still, it was a harrowing time in my life that I’d much rather not repeat.  A burglar alarm installed in my house took care of the feeling of violation – although now that Greg is here, I don’t have the feeling that my house is being watched anymore.  We both come in and out of here at different and oddball times, so no one ever really knows if he, or I, or both of us are home.  We just got new neighbors as well, and they have dogs – so I definitely feel extra safe these days.

The broken wrist - August 25, 2011

I had an accident at the Camden Yards light rail and admittedly wasn’t watching where I was going, and it cost me dearly.  I spent six weeks in a cast that drove me nearly bugfuck, and almost failed two of my college courses during the healing time (ever try to take a writing course with a broken wrist?  It’s not easy).  The cast came off in mid-October, but even on New Year’s Eve, I still have trouble lifting some things and gripping others.  I’ve faced the fact that my wrist will never be the same, and I will never have the mobility that I used to.  It is what it is.

So, now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s turn to predictions.  I showed Greg last year’s post full of predictions, and he had to laugh at the “relationship/social life” one where it said there’d be “no change whatsoever”.  Boy, did I miss the mark on that one or what?

Health, Physical:  A lot of bad things have happened to me this year, medical-wise.  It’s not been just the wrist, but other troubling things have developed with my reproductive system, my feet, and as usual my weight.  I have lost a total of eleven pounds over the past year – it had been as high as 25, but I’ve put over half of that back on, and unfortunately most of it has been within the last three months due to the holidays and my injury making me extra-cautious as far as lifting things is concerned.  I’m going to give it one last shot as far as doing this on my own – after that, I will revisit the idea of bariatric surgery (though I really don’t want to do that, I’ve viewed the procedure and it looks downright scary).  I have started to flex my cooking skills a bit more since Greg came, so hopefully I’ll find new and healthy recipes to try.  I am starting a new blog where I fix one new recipe a week and report results, so that might get me toward healthier eating, a bit.  I also want to maybe start up a little veggie garden of my own, if I can.  We’ll see how that pans out, but as usual I say that I’m going to do something about my physical health – I want to be able to STICK to that this year.  I think that maybe I’ll have better luck because other things are finally beginning to settle down.  Such as….

Health, Mental:  The biggest breakthrough of them all this year.  As noted above, I believe that my depression has either been cured or is in EXTREME remission.  I think, honestly, that it’s gone, though.  I feel stronger, more energetic and happier about life in general.  I wake up in the morning and while I still feel ‘blah’ about some things (like going to work, for example), these are NORMAL THINGS to feel ‘blah’ about!  I look forward to spending time with Greg, and even spending some time alone to recharge and energize.  I seriously am so much better in this area.  I have been reduced to once every 2 months for therapy, and in truth I think we’re going to simply go to an “as needed” basis.  Which is a HUGE stride for only a year and a half.   I am doing well.  Very, very well.  I think that will continue on an upward path.

Career:  I am STILL in the freaking drug lab, sigh.  I didn’t really concentrate on looking for another job until the last 2 months of this year, and that was only because someone pissed me off enough down there that I finally said to myself, “I’ve had enough of this bullshit to last a lifetime”.  But in truth, it’s really time to consider moving on.  I’ve been there nearly three and a half years – there’s really nowhere left to go for me.  I’m updating my resume, trying to strengthen my professional network, and of course going full steam on the college degree, which should be completed in another year or so.  Hopefully I’ll find something or have found something better by this time next year.

Social/Relationships:  Another huge breakthrough this year, obviously, with the addition of Greg in my life.  My social network is also beginning to improve a bit.  I’ve gotten rid of some very, VERY toxic people that drug me down and through the mud, and in truth I should have done that a LONG time ago.  I’ve learned who my friends really are, and who pretends.  I’ve learned through adversity who will be there for me and who only pays lip service.  Valuable lessons, all, and ones that I’ll not soon forget.  Although I’m still quite cautious about the future (and yes, a bit of the skeptic remains within me), I think that my relationship with Greg will continue to be fulfilling, happy, loving and healthy in 2012. 

Financial:  Not so good right now due to mounting bills (especially the holidays, which I admit I went overboard on this year – but it was the first decent Christmas I’ve spent in over 10 years and I WANTED it to be special – and it WAS).  Knowing myself the way that I do, I’ll have a much better picture overall as the months go by, though I will have to start putting a significant amount of money away for a couple of pretty important reasons coming up, not the least of which that my mother’s health is beginning to fail, and I need to start looking for a bigger place (hopefully with an “in-law” style apartment) so that I can take care of her when I need to.  Unfortunately it’s beginning to come to that point.  I knew it would eventually, but I didn’t count on it being this soon.  Still, I’m prepared to deal with it, and I know that Greg will help me if he can – he’s so sweet like that.  :D

And… that’s it for 2011, really.  It has been a whirlwind of a year.  It has been a year full of massive upheavals, both in the world at large and in my own life.  It ends much, much differently for me than when it began.  I end 2011 in a position of pure strength, of joy, of renewed hope in living and in life, of reawakening in emotion and in compassion.  I am once again alive and vibrant.  I have been reborn.  I am now the phoenix that has risen from the ashes – not the ashes themselves.

I am special.  I am important.  I am vital to myself and to others. 

I AM.

While this video expresses thanks for a relationship (and it's certainly how I feel about Greg), I think this video's lyrics apply to everything in my life.  After all... "If the sun refuses to shine, I would still be loving...."... myself as well.  :)

I am thankful for my life back.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Not much more to say than this...

An open letter to a drama king/queen I know. Ranty and DEFINITELY not for the faint of heart.

This is probably going to be a pretty insensitive post here, so be warned.  If you're offended at the end of it - well, too fuckin' bad, heh.  :p  Here goes.

I have an acquaintance on Eff-Bee (I don't consider this person a "friend", because I've never met them in person and only know them from a forum we'd shared once long ago) that consistently and constantly complains about - well, everything.  Now, granted, they've had it hard recently.  Their spouse cheated on them and their marriage ended up breaking up because of it.  That same spouse that cheated on them is now due alimony for the rest of their life - alimony that equals thousands of dollars a month.  In turn, this person got laid off a couple of years ago from a really prominent job, and is now down to their last unemployment check.  They also have a pretty bad problem with alcohol and drinking too much.  Sounds awful, yeah?  It is, I'll agree.

But.... (isn't there always a but in there?)....

This same person has had jobs in the last couple of years - not as prominent, and it involved a commute that was hellish to the extreme, almost a 2 hour commute each way - but still, a job.  A way to eat.  A way to put a roof over their head.  This same person has been advised to leave the state in which they live and attempt to fight their ex-spouse for alimony reduction and/or elimination.  This same person has friends that have, time and time again, offered to let them live with them, help them out, get their life back on track.  This same person has been told over and over again to quit drinking and smoking, to get themselves together.

Okay?  So the stage is set;  you now know what this person is like.  Let me get to the meat of the story here.

This same person, the one to whom I refer above, consistently gets on Eff-Bee and posts negative shit.  All the time.  Things like "if you want something from me, too FUCKING bad, suck it up, blah blah".  Or things like "I have given everything, now I'm leaving you all, goodbye", etc., etc.  Constant manipulation and drama posturing.  Not too long ago, I witnessed three friends of this person being blocked because they actually dared to tell them that they was being... what else.... a drama king/queen.  People were actually fighting on this person's profile - fighting for Chrissake.  This person self-describes themselves as "untreated bipolar" and actually takes pride in this self-diagnosis.  Pride.  This person is unemployed, has been for at least a year, but still has money to drink and smoke countless packs of cigarettes a day and travel to far-away states to indulge in a hobby - yet complains that they can't find a job.  This person complains constantly about helping their greedy, selfish ex-spouse and their greedy, selfish manipulative children and their greedy, selfish father - yet they consistently send money and act as support and go "family is everything, blah blah".  This person posts links to "meaningful songs" eight times a day - literally, I have seen this person post the same video 8 times in one day - and is practically screaming "NOTICE ME".

Well, I have noticed you.  But you're not going to like what I have to say to you.

1.  Stop threatening shit and just DO it.  You're going to disappear, leave, start a new life?  You're going to quit supporting your greedy family?  Fucking DO it and quit threatening it.  Otherwise, honey, you are all talk and no action.  It gets old after a while.  Ever hear of the story of "the boy who cried wolf"?  That's you all over.  After a while, no one is going to believe what you say or even notice it for more than anything it is right now - which is posturing.  You are so contradictory - one minute you threaten everyone who "hurts your family" and the next you're like, "they're all greedy, selfish assholes, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done".  Which is it?

2.  Just because people say things to you that you don't like, it doesn't mean they're not right.  Those three friends of yours were right - when you do contradictory things, a real friend is going to call you on your shit.  A real friend will tell you when you're wrong, because that's what they do - it means they care about your dumb ass enough to let you know, "Hey, dude, I think you need to maybe consider what you're doing."  Ever think of that?

3.  The reason you don't have a job isn't because you're over 50 years old.  The reason you don't have a job right now isn't because you're overqualified.  It's because you don't want to give up your hobby.  It's because you don't want to leave the place you're living now in order to get a job or start a life elsewhere.   It's because you don't want to realize that sometimes you have to give up the things you want in life in order to survive.  Life is about survival - something you claim to know very well, but I don't really think you do.  That job you had where you had to commute 4 hours a day - yeah, it sucked that you had to do that, but you know what?  If that's what it takes to eat, to have a roof over your head, then that's what you do.  It's not for a 50 inch TV or a fancy car that you keep crying everyone wants - it's so you can eat, have clothes on your back, and a place to lay your head.  That's what you claim you want - so get out there and do it, and don't complain if you have to do things you don't want to do.  That's called doing what you have to in order to survive.  If that means working at fucking McDonald's, then that's what you do.  


4.  Life is what YOU make of it.  If your life has been a catastrophic mess for the last X amount of years, maybe you need to sit the fuck down and think about why that is.  Nothing is ordained, okay?  You need to maybe examine your own self and see what you might be able to do to turn that around.  No one, no one, NO ONE in this life "deserves" anything and no one is going to fucking help you - the help lies in your own hands.  There is no "knight in shining armor".  There is no one that's going to ride into your life on a bright white stallion, scoop you up, and "take you away", okay?  You're on your fucking own out here.  The world is cruel, and life isn't "fair".  Get used to it.  Look at the things that you do, and say, and think, and you might find that a lot of your misery is caused by things you do... and say.... and think.

5.  As someone with long-term depression, I find it reprehensible that you believe yourself to have depression of any kind and refuse to get treatment.  As a matter of fact, I find your pride in "being unmedicated" absolutely abhorrent.  You do not realize what your actions do to people around you.  You do not realize that the things you say and do can cause incredible hurt to others.  I've seen it myself with the way you treat people, even your own children (who love you despite the shit you AND your ex-spouse have done to them).  You talk a big game about what a "real friend" does, but you know what?  A real friend doesn't tell the people who care about them to "fuck off", "suck it up", because they happen to think differently than you do.  I saw you go off on someone who had talked about buying their child a Christmas gift.  How DARE you presume to think for others?  Are you omniscient now?  Is your way the only right way to think?

I only keep you on my "friends list" because I'm waiting for the next drama-filled post of yours.  I'm waiting to see you implode, because you will if you don't fucking do something about your life.  Stop treating people like shit.  Get up off of your ass and do SOMETHING - anything.  Get a job, move away from that hellhole you call a state, start making money off of your hobby, do SOMETHING.  You've got plenty of friends left that will be more than willing to help you - that is, if you can keep from alienating them any further.  Stop crying about how your life sucks - because let me tell you something, pal - there are plenty, plenty, PLENTY of people in the world whose life sucks more than yours ever will.

Maybe try a little GRATITUDE for what you do have.  It works wonders.

End of rant.

Fear, drama, and the fear OF drama.

Lots on my mind recently, most of it good; but as always, contemplative.  I guess that since I'm in a much better emotional place these days, I seem to have a desire to re-examine my life in detail, dealing with painful events and situations as I can.  I am finding less hurt, but more apathy; some things that once held sway over my very being....just don't matter anymore.  I'm finding myself mistaken about much, especially when it comes to other people - I never have been able to "read" others very well. 

In my continuing re-examination of self, I often feel a bit confused, even alienated sometimes.  If things aren't what I'd believed them to be, how do I know what's real?  And that's been something that has plagued me for most of my life - I've been lied to, deceived, "protected", misled by nearly everyone I've come into contact with.  I have little faith and even less trust.  What's worse is that the rare times I do feel optimistic, I live in fear that it's all an illusion and that the second I let my guard down, the rug will be pulled out from under my feet and I'll be faceplanted into the dirt again.  Feeling more like a fool than ever, at that.

I still have much to work on, it looks like.

I'm not too sure where this came from, I guess it's come from reading up about drama and how damaging and useless it really is in peoples' lives.  With the realization that Ex-D'bag is a psychic vampire, I've come to realize that he was (is) a drama king as well - used the illusion of apathy and "I'm so put upon, nobody loves me, wah" to garner sympathy, and like a dumb ass, I fell for it, the consummate "knight in shining armor" bullshit.  Why wasn't I able to SEE through that?  It's as transparent as crystal.

Well, this knight is retired; it's not my job to "save" anybody.  Especially when my efforts yielded a big pile of sweet fuck-all.

I feel myself starting to recover from this whole clusterfuck of a situation, enough so that I'll be able to talk about it and explain in depth quite soon.  Some already have a good idea of what happened; the story will be a cautionary lesson for the rest of you, I think.

Everything is going fine, by the way.  More of an update regarding that shortly.

Quick update. Very quick.

I'm tired as hell, so I'm just stopping in to let everyone know that I'm still alive.  :p  I've found out a couple of things over the last week that have pissed me off to no end (it mainly involves the situation with Recent D-bag, heh), but in truth.... it's seriously just starting to not matter to me anymore.  There was a time where such news would have crippled me for weeks.  Today, I barely gave it a thought.  Because that's how much it's worth - maybe a dismissive, "Whatthefuckever, dumbass", then on to the next thing.

Some exciting-ish news tonight, but I unfortunately can't share it yet - I've been requested to "hold back" for a while.  But it's definitely good news, and it's definitely something that I didn't expect to happen.  As soon as I get the "all clear" to share it, I surely will.

I know... mysterious!  But all will be revealed in time.

Finished my Christmas shopping today.  Christ, but it's been one expensive year.  But hey - this is so going to be worth it.  It's the first Christmas that I'll have in years that has meant anything to me.  It's the first Christmas I've not been all alone or lonely or depressed in nearly ten years.  I cannot wait for it.  As far as I'm concerned, that is priceless.

My life is going very, very well - maybe too well.  

More of an update later on when I have some time.  This weekend's going to be hellish busy, it's the last week of the winter semester and I have massive papers due.  No exams, though, thank Christ for that.

Until then.

Don't cross me. I have minions. (A bit rambly, and certainly may qualify as venty, too.)

I didn't feel much like doing the Saturday 9 this week, but then my entire mood has been just weird and... I guess a little "off", I suppose.  I still have my times where things just don't sit well with me, and this was one of them.  I've actually been upset over the smallest shit today, and that's bothered me immensely.  For example:  Greg and I made a grocery order online (something we usually do, though neither of us like it) on Friday night, and we'd ordered a pound of white button mushrooms.  Simple enough, right?

So, the order came, and I swear to fucking God, there was a bag with ONE.  MUSHROOM.  IN.  IT.  One.  A tiny little solitary white button mushroom.  We checked the receipt... and they actually charged us 28 cents for this one sad fucking little mushroom.  It's enough to make anyone laugh their asses off, me included - usually.

No.  I fucking lost it because Safeway had the nerve to actually bag up ONE mushroom.  And charge me for it.  I was literally upset for hours over this - like I said, the stupidest shit on the planet.  Why did I do that?

Bless Greg for putting up with me.  I don't know how he does it, I swear.  And I honestly don't know why I felt like that, but.... it's stupid little shit like this that's made me feel tired and rundown and sad all day.  Depressed, actually.  I don't know whether it's because all of what I'm going through at work is dragging me down, or financial worries, or what.  I have no clue.  All that I know is that I'm so tired of being strong for everyone else's sake.  And I know I have to let go of that stupidity, because I've carried the weight for so freaking long that it's broken my shoulders.  Isn't that how I got depression in the first place?

I find that I still have so many issues concerning independence and needing help and allowing others to assist me.  I have no idea of what I'm going to do when I get too old to do things on my own - I'm so freaking proud and stubborn, and I know it.  Sigh....

As usual, when I'm feeling like this, I have a yearning to go backward in time... to see how people from my past are doing.  Whether they "miss" me or not, I guess.  Whether they think about me.  Which is silly, actually, because I'm pretty sure that they couldn't give a rat's ass.  But, still... it's a compulsion that I have a hard time breaking, and when I'm in moods like this, it's magnified a hundred times over, usually with bad results.  Tonight's journey wasn't actually so bad.  I'm feeling less and less hurt as time rolls on, which I guess is a good thing - though I cry when I find out new information, sometimes.  Like... tonight, I found out that one of my favorite cats that I'd loved so much in the trash shack in Georgia is dead.  I don't know when it happened - but it happened before March of 2010, because that's the date on the picture and it says "the late ".... sigh.  I loved that boy like he was my very own - he was the sweetest one of the bunch that I tried to take care of.  He comforted me when my Pearl died in that hellhole.... and now I know he's gone.  And THAT hurts.  He wasn't even eight years old yet, I know that for a fact, because I moved into that horror house in March of 2002 and he was literally weeks old then.  

Of course he didn't make it to 8 years old.  Would you, if you were forced to live amongst filth and decay?

I feel so fucking guilty that I couldn't save him - any of them.  That's what happens when you live with a hoarder.  That's what happens when you try to have a normal life with a person who isn't normal.  I mean, let's face it - I'm a slob, I'm Oscar in the fucking Odd Couple - but I'm not a hoarder.  I know when to throw shit away.  I know better than to have 22 cats and 4 fucking dogs and not be able to take care of any of them.  I know when something needs fixing in my house and I don't use a slop bucket to fill up my toilet tanks when I need to take a shit.

Oh, Christ, I don't even want to go into this right now.  I WILL start crying and I'll go into a downward spiral for the rest of the weekend.  That I DON'T need.  I'm not ready to confront all of that.  Not yet.  Not now.

Tonight, though, I'm grateful that I've removed certain people from my life.  I'm grateful that I have the knowledge that I will never go back to those times, nor do I want to.  I see tons of people on my Facebook "friend suggestions", people that I knew, people that my friends know... but I don't add anybody.  I don't want to, honestly.  I have all of the "friends" on there that I need or want, and if someone wants to get in touch with me, they know how to find me.  If they don't make an effort... they don't really want to know what's going on in my life, then, do they?

Those kinds of "friends", I don't need.

I find that I am enjoying simplicity.  I have my job.  I have Greg in my life, and we live pretty quietly, simply - we don't need or want a lot of things.  I have friends that I can turn to in the rare event that I need advice.  I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes on my back.  We occasionally go out for a movie, bowling, walks;  nothing complicated.  The anger that I have held inside of me for so long is beginning to dissipate.  I no longer seek out drama, or even welcome it in others.

Maybe I'm starting to grow old at last - but I'm at the point now where I just want a quiet life and my ways are my ways.  I've never dealt well with change as a rule, anyhow.

The sun is setting on the first half of my life.  I'm okay with that, finally.  I'll be 40 in less than 3 months now, 90 short days - and I'm okay with that as well.  I've seen enough "action" (which really translates to pain, when you think about it) for a lifetime.  Now I just want my life settled, quiet, happy.  I think I'm well on the way to that.  Things didn't turn out the way that I'd expected, maybe - but it's all right.  Everything for a reason, yes?

I am considerably "calmer" now than when I started writing this post, all in the space of 20 short minutes.  I guess that writing it all out does tend to help with my confuzzled state of mind, heh.  Still... I dislike it when I lapse into old patterns of thinking.  I need to watch that, still, I think.

One day at a time.  (La, dah-dah-dah.  Score if you know to what I refer, heh.  :p )

Until then.

The triumphant return of the Saturday 9.

Ladies and gentlemen....since my health is now much better, I am proudly announcing the triumphant return of:



I haven't done these kinds of things in a very long time.  It's nice to be able to focus on something other than my craziness for a switch!  :)


1. “Everybody lies. But it's alright because nobody listens.” is one of Bud's Law's. What do you lie about?


I want to say, "nothing at all", but that would be a lie in itself, so.... I guess I'll have to say my weight.  :(  Those who are closest to me know the truth - like it's hard to hide, haha.  To quantify this statement; I don't necessarily lie about it, but I also don't talk about it either, and if one were to ask me I'd either lie my face off or go the honest, but brutal route;  i.e., "none of your freaking business".

2. When you purchase a DVD, what besides the the movie itself, what do you enjoy the most? Is it the director's commentary, the deleted scenes, the bloopers or the behind-the-scenes documentary? 


It depends on the content, to be honest.  When I purchased the Dave Chappelle series, I loved the "goofs" reel; it made me laugh like crazy.  But with full-length movies, it's usually deleted scenes or behind-the-scenes documentary features.  I usually compare the entire movie to the list they maintain on imdb and try to "spot the errors".  


I know.  I'm weird like that.

3. What would you most like to accomplish before the year is over? 


Honestly, I'd like to graduate from college before 2011 ends, but seeing that I still have 35 credits left to go before that can be done, I don't see it happening.  :p


4. What is your current percentage of online shopping? Is it going to be more this year than last?


When I do shop, it's 95% online, mainly because I don't have access to a car right now and there isn't much choice in inner city Baltimore (right now, anyway).  Even if there were, I only have two hands and I can't really take heavy things home on the light rail.  If you're asking this question in the Christmas vein, I've bought all I'm going to for this year.

5. What's left to do at your place (or where you are going)? Is the tree up? ...or maybe you're just happy you found that fave Christmas coffee mug and are calling that good? 


Everything is up and decorated.  My house is still a bit skimpy on the decorations because I just don't have enough, but next year I'll be a bit more prepared.  Considering that I haven't decorated at all for the past six years, I think it looks pretty damned good.  :)

6. If you could get worry free, cost free plastic surgery, would you? If yes, where?


No, I wouldn't.  One of the things I've had to learn over the course of my depression is to accept myself for who I am, flaws and faults and all.  If others can't accept me, that's on them - it's no longer my problem.  


7. Do you think the child you were growing up, would like the adult you've become? 


This is a very hard question for me; because the child was abused and neglected.  I didn't have much of a choice in becoming the adult that I have.  Everything that I've had to do in my life was borne from a survival instinct; first to survive the abuse, then to relearn new coping skills and techniques (that I'm still not sure I've gotten "down" quite yet, to be honest).  I continue to struggle with fundamentals.  But I'm learning and growing, every day.  That's what matters.  :)

8. What will you miss about 2011?

I want to say my sense of self-discovery, of reawakening to the joys of life; does that make sense?  It's so hard for me to explain how I've felt this past year, because it's all happened so fast, so suddenly... one day I felt like killing myself, wanting to die, dragging, uninterested in life... then my life did a 180, just like that.  The depression fell away like a healing scab over a wound.  It was just there one day, then... it was gone.  I can't even explain what happened, or why.  But I'm grateful.  The last six months have been cataclysmal.  A huge awakening from a long-term nightmare.  If nothing else, I will miss the feelings I had when I stepped out of the darkness and into the sunlight.  In so many ways.

9. What is something you'd love to see invented?


I thought Rita Mae Brown's idea of a light-up umbrella so you could find your way home on dark, rainy nights was a rather clever one, myself.


Wow.  It's been a long, long time since I did one of these.  I'm exhausted!  :D


One quick piece of news:  my friend Cathy has a lovely blog about being a big, fat couch potato.  Okay, well, not really the last phrase.  But her blog is awesomesauce.  Check it out here.

Enough, biatches.  I'm for bed.  Love and stuff.  <3

Coming to terms....(Bonus rant AND language warning.)

I've felt really "off" today.  Really sad, weepy, depressed.  I couldn't figure out why, because there didn't seem to be a good reason for it; nothing is wrong physically, my relationship with Greg is just fine, and work - while highly irritating right now - is okay, certainly not enough to make me feel like the old days.  So, what the hell?

Only it IS something, mentally.  It's just something I don't like to think about, or want to for that matter.  But....it's been on my mind for a few days now, and it's all to do with timing.  And it's not something I'm too proud of.

Maybe, after all this time, I can finally explain.  Or try to.

I recently threw a person out of my life, for good.  If you go back to some entries that were written back in May....when I had a literal nervous breakdown over severing a six year tie....yes, that's the person I'm referring to.  This situation is so fucking complicated that when I say "tie", "threw them out"....there's so much frigging more to that than a simple description can convey.  For the sake of brevity, I'll try and condense this (though as more time passes, I'll probably spill it all out like so much sick).

Anyway, this person is on my brain right now because their birthday is coming up this week.  I haven't missed their birthday in six years.  Not once.  I always had something for them, be it a card, a text message, a small package, a phone call.  Something.

This year, all I have to give them is my silence.  And my absence from their life.

So, why is this such a big deal to me, since I intend to do nothing about it, right?  I knew you'd ask that.  :p

I was thinking about the whole sad, sorry mess on the way home tonight.  About how I always gave more than I EVER received.  About how I was manipulated, even DECEIVED, with mixed messages and indecision, waffling and words as weapons against me.  About six years of fruitless hope and depression so bad that I nearly ended my life several times out of hand.  About how worthless I must have been to them in the end, because don't think they didn't KNOW what they were doing.  They knew.  They so fucking knew.

And I am finally, finally feeling a slight stirring of something I never could feel before about this person.

Anger.  Deep, bottomless, violent, epic fucking RAGE.

This soulless motherfucker took SIX YEARS OF MY FUCKING LIFE AWAY.

I lost a relationship, my sanity, my independence, my sense of self, what LITTLE self-confidence I had....so that he could feed off of my fucking sympathy.  A Goddamn psychic vampire, sucking the life from me.

For the first time ever, I'm starting to feel twinges of pure, unadulterated fucking anger.

Since I met Greg, I have learned what real love feels like.  I've learned that I'm to be valued, not tossed aside like a fucking sperm rag when someone's gotten what they want.  I've learned the difference between being heard and being LISTENED to.  I've learned that I'm NOT second best.  I have worth beyond a pair of spread thighs!  Imagine that!

Oh, my God, I feel such anger at that bastard.  If only murder were legal.  If only, if only.

Happy motherfucking birthday, bloodsucking douchebag.  You will NEVER get another thing from me, ever.  Six fucking years will have to do.  But....

I hope you still read here.  I hope you do.  It's going to get real fucking interesting around here in the next year as I start getting rid of you, forever.  And you DO know me - if I ever have the chance to scar you for life....I will seize it in a fucking heartbeat.  Count on it.

Whoever said that revenge is best served cold doesn't know how fucking GOOD cold food can taste.

Massive turkey-filled update!

As everyone can see, I've yet again done some major revamping of the blog.  I'm still not all that satisfied with the look; the red background with black accents is classy-looking (and as it's a combination of my two favorite colors, it's aesthetically appealing to me, personally), but... I sort of miss the "tight" look of the old black background with the cityscape header.  I really, really dislike the header now, but I don't really have much time to create a new one.  Once I manage to get some more time (yeah, right), I may fuss with it again.

In the meantime, you'll have to take what you get.  :p  At least it looks somewhat festive for the holidays.  I guess that's what I was trying to get at, but I think red and green as a combination blows chunks, myself.

I'm feeling better now that Thanksgiving is over and done with.  I had Greg and my mother over; she actually behaved herself for a rare switch.  My mother likes Greg (well, as much as she can like any man, I suppose); this has proven to be an extremely rare thing.  She's never liked anyone I've dated, and unfortunately that dislike has seeped into my relationships in one form or another.  I'm still convinced that she's angry and bitter over my father's betrayal all those years ago - which isn't my fault, but somehow I and my brother paid the price for that anyway.  But, anyway.... the feast was a success, at least in my view it was; so that can't be a bad thing.  Since Greg has to work a whole lot right now (the curse of the holidays, sigh), I'm spending my weekend just catching up on things; basic chores, putting up decorations (I know, since when did I decorate for the holidays???), listening to music, doing schoolwork, etc.

School is going fine, I guess.  I'm not all that convinced that the instructor teaching the public policy course actually knows anything of what he's doing, though.  But I have to try and get through it, as it's of course a required class.  The film course is as I'd expected, a lot of fun, and I've been seeing some really good black-and-whites as of late.  "Strangers on a Train" was the last one - Hitchcock, of course - man, was that Robert Walker character a creepy one or what?  Left impressions on me that'll last for weeks.

The job front is as always; nerve-plucking, irritating, lazy-assed coworkers that can't get shit right.  In other words, as usual.  But I did apply for a project specialist job with the same agency, and I made the referral list twice - which means two upcoming interviews.  God, I'm nervous.  I haven't had to do one of these in over 4 years, and I've never been good with interviewing; but, shit, I did the drug lab interview at the height of my depression and I managed to get that, so I suppose that I shouldn't worry so much.  In any case, I'm waiting on a call from the selecting officials, so we'll see what happens.  As always, more shall follow.

I'm making (as of now) fluid plans to maybe buy a new car; Greg promised to teach me how to drive and get this bullshit with the MVA sorted out.  I really think they fucked up down there; okay, I'm half-blind, but I know damn well I can see well enough to drive, so I'm going to try yet again and not go through the Medical Advisory Board, not yet.  I hope I won't need to, but we'll see.  I'll probably do this in March or so, if I do it.  Still pondering things.  Despite my woeful financial state, my credit is actually excellent (over 700) - now I just have to keep it this way.

Contemplating cancelling therapy for good.  I find that I need it less and less, and when I do go down there, I find that I just don't have that much to talk about anymore.  I just want to make sure that I don't need it because I'm healthy enough to go on without it, not because Greg's here and seems to be my salvation in everything.  That's exactly what I don't want to happen - Greg is a beautiful addition to my life.  But not "my life"; as I've said before.  Right now, things are going well.  We've celebrated six months together as of yesterday, and while it's not the wild limerance of the early days, it's comfortable and happy and we're establishing routines, getting to know one another well, spending time together.  It's proving to last beyond the initial excitement; and isn't that what everyone wants out of a relationship?

I've had a great deal to be thankful for this past Thanksgiving, and I'm incredibly grateful for all I do have.  I'm not very religious, admittedly, but I do think that blessings have finally come my way.  I'm determined to enjoy them, to not feel guilty for enjoying them, and to make the most of what I have and what I'll continue to receive.

Hey.... I think I've finally grown up.  :)

Anyhow, I've rambled on long enough, so I'll conclude here.  I don't get a lot of chances to write anymore, and even when I do, I find that I have little to really say that's different.  Perhaps I'll start doing the old "memes" again, or find something to expound upon that'll be interesting.  I'm really glad that it's not a bunch of complaining anymore.  I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.

I'm healthy, happy, loved, and fulfilled.  What more can one ask from life?

Ciao for now.  :p

Angry at the world tonight.

I don't know why, but I've been feeling like shit for the last couple of days. Part of it might be that I've been working a whole bunch of overtime recently (unwillingly), but... tonight was just weird. I once again felt that sense of disconnection with people, with life, and I've been crying on and off all day today. It reminds me of the old days when the depression took over.

There could be a lot of reasons for it, of course; it's getting close to a certain time of the month (oh, shut up, whiners, and deal), it's been raining the last couple of days and therefore kind of miserable out... the holidays have finally arrived and I'm feeling pressure, my finances are getting kind of bad because of all of the expense, I've been working a lot, Greg's been working a lot... it could be any or all of those things. Tonight, Greg and I had a few awkward moments... I can't really call it a fight, because it wasn't, but... things were not as they usually are and I could feel it in the air. It bothered me. It scared me.

I'm trying so hard not to be pessimistic, but it just seems to be my second nature now, no matter how hard I try to look on "the bright side" of things. I've been screwed over, fucked with, made fun of too much to be any other way. I keep waiting for that shoe to fall. I'm trying not to... but I can't help myself. :(

I felt bothered enough to go looking up old "enemies", if you will. And things haven't changed. I'm still angry with them. I still want to take a chunk out of their heads. It's still the same stupid toxicity, years later. I can't ever allow myself to think it'll be any different. Why do I seek it out still? Is it something within me that won't let go? What is it that I want to hear from these people - "I'm sorry"? Heh... sorry lies between the words shit and syphilis in a dictionary. What difference will it make, hearing it now?

In one particular person's case, I guess I feel cheated of the chance to rip her fucking head off and shove it down the stem of her neck. That's what I really want to do - write her (or better yet, tell it to her face) a big "fuck you, bitch" note. There's something that she did that I cannot and will not ever forgive her for - even though the original situation is long over and I don't really care about it anymore, the fact that she fucked me over while it was happening.... well, that's enough right there for her to earn a permanent place on the shit list.

Actually, I'm mad at a couple of people from that time period, one of whom I couldn't get mad at before. So.... I guess that's progress, in a way.

I wish I could blank out the last six years - the last thirty years, really - and start over again.... sigh.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I don't know.

Word of the week: discursive. (Snicker.)

In all honesty, I'm really feeling way too tired to post anything tonight. There's been a lot going on, though, as usual. It's funny how my life's turned from a slow-motion, depression-filled drag to one that's almost warp-speed and full of action. Is it bad to say that I actually long for a bit of ... well, I guess that "calm" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but perhaps I could use "dilatoriness" instead. (Hah... now who's the vocabulary vixen, Mr. Greg? Lawl.)

I was ruminating over my upcoming "end of year" post, thinking about everything that's happened to me since January. To be sure, this has been one hell of a wild year, and I'm sure that the last month and a half will be no different. In truth, I don't think I really want it any other way. After the last six years of pain, depression, sadness and tears.... I welcome everything that has happened to me in the last six months.

That is going to be one long-assed post, let me tell you.

So, a quick fill-in on everything that's happening:

- My (should be) final orthopedic appointment is tomorrow morning. The doctor will check out my wrist, but in all honesty, there's really nothing more he can do for me. My wrist is as healed as it's going to be. There's still some pain in the arm, a bit of stiffness, but there's not much I can do except live with it. I can use my arm again, I can write and type and lift things (though heavy items are still kind of unknown - I haven't pushed myself that far yet - once the doctor tells me for sure that the bones are healed, I'll try that out when I get the opportunity). That's all I can ask for.

- I dropped a heavy can of tomatoes on my big toe, and over the last few weeks, the nail's been slowly coming off - bit by painful, bloody, nasty bit. It finally fell all the way off tonight. Eeeeww. That's all there is to be said about that - just, eeeeww.

(This has NOT been a good year for me, medical-wise, unfortunately.)

- OB appointment went fine. There was a minor issue, but nothing that is life-threatening or massive, and I am in the clear until next year. Unfortunately, that's the year the stupid mammograms and Pap tests start - and Dr. Lynch is insistent about it, sigh. For once, I have a really great OB, though; she's sensitive to the fact that I have issues with this whole thing. Thank Christ for Fed insurance, man - I have the best doctors I could ask for.

Considering that I spent 20+ years abusing my body and never seeing doctors, ever, for anything - I'm amazingly healthy.

School is going well. The film class is a real blast - I love it. I get to watch movies with Greg on the weekends, which is not only accomplishing homework, but it's great bonding time as well. I love cuddling up with the Mister and watching the old black and whites or a good action film. I couldn't ask for a better way to do homework. :) The public policy class is, as I thought, boring, but it's flexible as far as class assignment dates (so far) and that helps. I've only had one grade so far in there, but it's a 90, so I can't be too upset about that.

I am seriously, seriously considering going on for a master's after I graduate. I know, it means spending more money in loans - but what the fuck? What do I have to lose? At UMUC I can also get a dual degree - an MS in crim management and an MBA at the same time - it's only 18 additional credits. Again - what the fuck? If it means I've accomplished something good, so be it, right?

I've also considered going for a health degree or certification as well, though. Time enough to think about that - I just want to get the B.S. done first.

It looks like I will, and very shortly, too. :o I'm amazed at myself, really...

Greg and I will celebrate 6 months together on the day after Thanksgiving. It's still as good as day one. The crunch, as we both tend to say, is still in the cookie. We've settled into a routine, the two of us, and while it's not all sunshine and roses (we both work an awful lot, and bad schedules at that)... it's a beautiful thing we've got.

I hesitate to let down my guard, or relax completely, not yet. But he's great for me. I hope that it's reciprocated.

And so concludes another update of my boring, yet queerly interesting at the same time, life. I look back on old entries - a year, 2 years ago at this time - and it's like a different person wrote them. Another world. Another life. Was that really me?

This new world of mine feels good. Really good. :)